Bush Reveals Help from Bin Laden in 2004 Election

In a recent interview for a new book, President Bush admitted that the timely release of a tape by Osama bin Laden helped him defeat John Kerry in 2004 election. The news has Washington all abuzz as prospective 2008 GOP Presidential candidates scramble to sign bin Laden and other Al Qaeda operatives to their campaign teams.

On the other side of the aisle, the Democrats proved themselves yet again to be behind the curve, with Senator Hilary Clinton (D-NY) reportedly seeking advice from 80s boogeyman Muammar Qaddafi and General Wesley Clark attempting to meet with Pol Pot, despite the fact that the Cambodian despot has been dead for eight years.

Bush and Cheney Approval Ratings Sink to New Lows

As President Bush continues to struggle through his second term, the latest CBS News poll puts his approval rating at an abysmal 34%. How low is 34%? To put things in perspective, take into consideration that both herpes and Skeletor have 35% approval ratings, so it's pretty darned low.

Lucky for the President, he hasn't sunk as low as Vice President Cheney yet. With his 18% approval rating, Cheney is actually less popular than getting herpes from Skeletor.

White House Celebrates 2 Weeks Without Vice President Shooting Someone in the Face

Between the NSA wiretapping scandal, the Dubai ports fiasco, Plamegate and growing dissent toward the Iraq War, the Bush Administration has been in serious need of some good news, and finally they got some. Over the weekend, The White House was pleased to announce that it had been two entire weeks since Vice President Dick Cheney shot someone in the face. Spokespeople refused to comment on whether Cheney had shot anyone in a body-part other than the face, stabbed anyone, poisoned anyone, or pushed anyone out a window, but Bush and company gleefully marked the milestone nonetheless. Things are finally looking up for the beleaguered POTUS.

72% of Troops Hate the Troops

In a brazen slap in the face to the US troops in Iraq, 72% of US Troops in Iraq are in favor of leaving the battle-torn Middle-Eastern country, where freedom is due to be on the march any day now.

But what does this insignificant majority know about the War on Terror? They're holed up in their fancy tanks all day. It takes perspective to see the progress and purpose of the war. Persective that is impossible to have with bullets flying by and bombs exploding around you. Perhaps if these latte-drinking, East-coast liberal troops would stop getting shot for five minutes and pick up a copy of the Wall Street Journal, they'd see that all they're doing is denigrating the troops.

Glitter 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold

In the wake of her eating a water-buffalo comeback on the popcharts, Mariah Carey is going to be making another movie. Normally this is the kind of news that would incite snickers and unbridled tommyrot, but Paris Hilton his playing Mother Teresa, so fuck it. Go ahead and make another movie, Mariah. Make a dozen. Hell, write, direct and star in a five-hour biopic about Eleanor Roosevelt. And make in in 3-D... with all of the dialogue in Esperanto, Pig-Latin and Klingon... and cast Emmanuel Lewis as Werewolf-Jesus... and create a character called Werewolf-Jesus who has a sordid affair with Robot-Hitler... and create a character called Robot-Hitler. Knock yourself out, Mariah.

Goat Marries Man

After being caught humping a goat, a Sudanese fellow has been forced to marry the animal. At first he was very upset, but upon further thought, he realized it could be much worse; he could be Al Reynolds.

Now You Too Can Smell Like the Next Karate Kid

So Chad Lowe will have something to scent his tear-soaked pillow with, Hilary Swank is going to be releasing her own perfume. The fragrance will be sold by a company called Guerlain, and it just so happens that with a few well-placed HJs, I was able to get an advanced bottle of the stuff.

I'm pleased to report that the perfume smells at first exactly like Matt Damon. However, upon further sniffs, there is the distinct aroma of big boobs.



[ed. note: I can't decide if I wouldn't hump her because she looks like him, or I would hump him because he looks like her. Developing...]

Indian Filmmaker Conspires to Put Snarky Bloggers Out of Work

Rumors swirled recently that director T. Rajeevnath was considering Paris Hilton for the lead in his Mother Teresa biopic. Stories were linked, laughs were had, and then we all moved on. But now it appears the film is actually going forward with Hilton playing the beloved Calcutta holywoman.

What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Any joke I try to make would pale in comparison to the absurd reality. Watch...

Script doctors are being brought in to add a scene where Mother Teresa saves a starving village by feeding them from her overabundance of crab-lice.

See? Simply saying, "Paris Hilton is playing Mother Teresa," trumps everything. Trying to come up with jokes to make it funnier is like trying to make naked Loni Anderson sexier with some fancy lingerie. It's futile!

Damn you, T. Rajaeevnath! Damn you straight to hell!

Posh Spice is Common People

Just in case you were worried that money and international stardom had ruined your favorite British popstar, Victoria "Posh" Beckham has dropped the bomb that "her life is completely unglamorous despite her wealth and fame."

I guess that makes sense. I mean, Tyra Banks is completely un-big-boobed despite her large bras and the big masses that connect her nipples to her chest. And Pat Morita is completely undead despite his underground location and worm-eaten body. And I'm completely un-secretly-gay despite my feminine demeanor and propensity for late-night trips to highway rest-stops.

I've said too much.

Kate Moss Is a Rich, Classy Role-Model

Dashing hopes prayers speculation that photographs of her doing cocaine might ruin her career, "model" Kate Moss has actually made nose-loads more cash since the scandal.

So, after inspiring countless adolescent eating disorders throughout the 90s, Moss is now showing the ladies of the world that the way to double one's salary is to do tons of coke. But don't just do tons of coke, do tons of coke while cameras are around, and get those pictures plastered all over the press. If I were a gal with some moxie, I'd take this tactic to the next level and conclude that my career could only benefit if I did tons of coke on camera while having sex with a salmon... and a giraffe... while kicking an old nun down the stairs... and pooping on a basket of orphans. But hurry up, it's only a matter of time before Kate herself pulls off this stunt and becomes a billionaire.

God Hates Humans

In an act of pure spite this weekend, the Lord Almighty chose to take beloved actors Don Knotts and Darren McGavin, instead of ending the lives of Star Jones, Pat Robertson, Osama bin Laden, Fred Durst, Anna Nicole Smith, Jean Claude Van Damme, Bill Frist, George Lucas, Celine Dion, Bill O'Reilly, Mariah Carey or Ann Coulter.

Rumor has it, the omnipotent creator has plans next weekend to kill Bill Murray, Scarlett Johansson and seventeen puppies, while sparing O.J. Simpson and Paris Hilton.

Squeal Like a Pig

Actor Ned Beatty is going to be given the Master of Cinema Award. All this time I've been having involuntary butt-sex with hillbillies just for fun. Who knew you could get a prize for it?

Bono's Nobel Prize nomination finally makes sense to me.

Courtney Cox is Pregnant

According to her husband David Arquette, Courtney Cox is worried about something going wrong with her latest pregnancy. I'm not a pregnancyologist or anything, but I would say a good step toward having a healthy baby is to not let David Arquette knock you up. You could probably have sex with a dead, retarded mongoose and your baby would turn out better.

Not that I know where one would go about purchasing a dead, retarded mongoose. I mean, I might know a guy who knows a guy who knows a lady who could point you in the right direction, but it's not like I have half-a-dozen such mongooses in the trunk of my car right now, priced to move.

Call me, Courtney.

Eva Longoria Loves Chocolate, Vibrators

Word has it that Desperate Housewives producers were able to coax Eva Longoria to do a nude scene only after they gave her some fancy chocolates. The same short article also manages to squeeze in the tidbit that Eva buys all of her friends vibrators.

So the lesson to be learned here is if you want Eva Longoria to take her clothes off for you, you should give her some chocolate. If you can somehow get your hands on a chocolate vibrator, I'd imagine she'd do even more than take off her clothes, if you know what I mean. Like, she'd probably take off her clothes and then pull off her epidermis. And that would be hottt with three t's.

Also, it'd probably be a good idea to just show up unannounced at her house to deliver the chcocolate vibrator. Famous ladies love that.

Price of Bradnifer Abode Plummets

If you always dreamed of living in a house stained with the tears of Jennifer Aniston, but just couldn't get your hands on 28-million clams, fret no more. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are reportedly slashing the asking price of their house by more than $3-million to $24.5-million. How will the pair make up the difference? With a few simple budget tweaks:

• Brad will only "adopt" eight slaves per month for the next two months.
• Jen will start wiping her love-lorn tears with fifties instead of hundreds.
• Instead of buying Angelina a large toilet made of gold and pieces of the Shroud of Turin, Brad will buy her a medium toilet made of gold and piece of the Shroud of Turin.
• Jen will sell her three least-favorite unicorns.
• Brad will attempt to earn at least 40% of Maddox and Zahara's love, rather than buying it.
• Jen will cut down on diamonds one meal a day, preparing her lunch instead with rubies, sapphires and slaves.

Britney Spears Balloons to Gargantuanly Normal Size!

Everytime I look at this picture of Britney Spears I...

Hang on.

Ugh, I threw up again. By now I've thrown up all of the food and bile in my stomach, so my body is looking for other things to throw up. I just threw up part of my liver I think. And it's all because of this disgusting photo of Britney Spears. Honestly, she looks like a whale. And not just a normal whale, but some freak-of-nature whale that somehow resembles a 130-pound human woman. How can there be a God when such abominations are allowed to occur?

It's moments like this when I long for the classic beauty of yesteryear's pop-starlets. Those broads knew about poise, grace and weight-control. You know, like Karen Carpenter. Now there was a looker. I don't know whatever happened to her, but she really oughta come out of retirement and teach the lady celebs of 2006 a thing or two.

The R. Kelly Loophole

Did you know you can legally approach 11-year-old girls for sex as long as you you refer to said sex as "an R. Kelly?" You can! Here are a few other celebrity-based expressions that should keep you out of the joint and on the street:

• Look at me like that again, and I swear to God I'll "Dick Cheney" you.
• Driving under the influence? Goodness no, officer. I've just been out doing a little "Chris-Penn-ing" and "Mario-Andretti-ing."
• Excuse me, young man, what would you say to me paying you fifty-dollars for a "Tom Cruise?" There's an extra ten in it for you if you sneak in a "Clay Aiken" or two.
• Holy "Kevin Federline!" I just "Star Jones'd" that guy's "Corbin Bernsen" all over the "Lindsay Lohan!" I am so "Bob Saget'd!"